Learning to Forgive by Following the Example of Jesus

I have always been the type of person to let things kind of roll off my back and keep looking to the future. For me, unforgiveness has always seemed like something that keeps you trapped in the past. Typically, at a very specific moment in time. Life is too short to stay mad at people forever. And as I have aged, I realize more and more just how fragile life is. If you don't reconcile quickly today, you may not get a chance to reconcile tomorrow. And lest you judge me too quickly for not ever having been hurt deeply enough by others, let me clarify that I have struggled to forgive others in the past. It is just not an ongoing struggle for me.

Years ago at a church where we served for almost twenty years, we had a church split about ten years in. The associate pastor basically tried to overthrow the lead pastor and take over the church. He almost succeeded too. I was on the deacon board at the time and I saw some of the ugliest things I have ever seen in a church. Spiritually speaking, it was one of the darkest times in my life and it would take several years for my soul to heal. I spent the next several years in a spiritual slump. It also took a while for some of those relationships to heal. Unfortunately, some never did. Not for lack of me trying.

Forgiveness seems to be the hardest when we have a shared history with people over time. People we have loved and spent time with who are family or like family. People we have done ministry with, and we thought we had unity with in pursuit of the gospel. Then all of a sudden, something egregious happens, and we find out that we don’t know someone like we thought we did. Trust is betrayed, which creates a deep emotional wound that takes time to heal. We feel justified in putting up walls around us that keep that person and others like them out because they need to be held accountable for their actions. We also do it because we don’t want to be hurt again. Yet, the irony with unforgiveness is, that the tighter you hold to it, the more pain it tends to cause you. It’s like that old saying goes, “resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” It’s never going to happen. It’ll kill you first.

So, what’s the answer? Well the answer, as difficult as it is to hear, is to forgive others who have wronged you because God forgave you. One of the most powerful examples of forgiveness in the Bible (outside of Jesus on the cross) is the story of Jesus' interaction with Peter after his denial. Peter, who had been one of Jesus' closest disciples, denied knowing Jesus three times before the crucifixion. So in this post, we look at three denials from Peter, three questions from Jesus, and three things we can learn from Jesus about how to forgive others.

Jesus pursued Peter in spite of his denial

John 21:4-9

4 At dawn Jesus was standing on the beach, but the disciples couldn’t see who he was. 5 He called out, “Fellows, have you caught any fish?” “No,” they replied. 6 Then he said, “Throw out your net on the right-hand side of the boat, and you’ll get some!” So they did, and they couldn’t haul in the net because there were so many fish in it. 7 Then the disciple Jesus loved said to Peter, “It’s the Lord!” When Simon Peter heard that it was the Lord, he put on his tunic (for he had stripped for work), jumped into the water, and headed to shore. 8 The others stayed with the boat and pulled the loaded net to the shore, for they were only about a hundred yards from shore. 9 When they got there, they found breakfast waiting for them—fish cooking over a charcoal fire, and some bread.

As John 21 opens, Peter is going fishing. He had returned to a life he was familiar with but one he was no longer called to. A life he no longer felt worthy to live. He had been called to fish for men prior to denying the one who had called him to do so. Peter’s denial of Jesus is recorded in all four gospels. Which to me says it was a significant event. Especially in light of the fact that Peter was part of Jesus’ inner circle. In Luke 22, we see on the night Jesus was arrested Peter following at a distance. Then having entered into the courtyard of the high priest’s home, the guards lit a fire and sat around it and Peter sat among them. He was questioned twice before about being a follower of Jesus and denied it both times. On the third time, it says he and Jesus made eye contact across the courtyard. Both of them knew Jesus had been right about Peter’s denial.

Photo by Dylan Luder on Unsplash

Now, Peter is once again sitting around a fire, this time on a beach, and looking Jesus in the eyes. Jesus pursued Peter after the resurrection even though Jesus was the party that was offended. The very guy he had done ministry with for three years, the guy he predicted was going to be the future foundation of the church, the guy who promised to die alongside Jesus. He had turned his back on Jesus. What I love so much about Jesus pursuing Peter here is he is once again modeling what he taught us as his disciples. He taught us to forgive people not just seven times but seventy times seven. He taught us to love our enemies and do good to those that hate us. Bless those that curse us. Pray for those that hurt us. Turn the other cheek. Do to others as you would like them to do to you. Be compassionate just as your Father in heaven is compassionate. Jesus not only modeled all of this on the cross, but he also modeled it here with Peter.

Jesus said blessed are the peacemakers. A peacekeeper is way different than a peacemaker. A peacekeeper is content with the status quo. “I know you’re holding stuff against me and I’m holding stuff against you, as long as you stay over there and don’t bring it up, we’ll be just fine." Peacekeeping doesn’t resolve issues, peacemaking does. And once again modeling for us how a disciple of Jesus is supposed to live, Jesus goes on a peacemaking mission to make amends with Peter. He pursued Peter in spite of Peter’s betrayal. If we are going to find peace with those who have wronged us, we are going to have to seek them out and work to make peace with them. Is there someone in your life today that you need to pursue forgiveness with?

Jesus showed mercy to Peter in spite of his failure

Just like with each of us, Jesus saw something in Peter that was redeemable. After the disciples finish eating breakfast with Jesus on the beach here in John 21, this exchange takes place where Jesus shows mercy to Peter though he had failed so miserably because of his sin. 

John 21:15-17

15 After breakfast Jesus asked Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?” “Yes, Lord,” Peter replied, “you know I love you.” “Then feed my lambs,” Jesus told him. 16 Jesus repeated the question: “Simon son of John, do you love me?” “Yes, Lord,” Peter said, “you know I love you.” “Then take care of my sheep,” Jesus said. 17 A third time he asked him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” Peter was hurt that Jesus asked the question a third time. He said, “Lord, you know everything. You know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Then feed my sheep. 

In the questioning of Peter here, Jesus is pointing to a future ministry for Peter. Jesus forgives Peter and puts the past behind them both. And in doing so, there is one important thing to understand here about the forgiveness of Jesus. He never condoned the behavior of Peter. He chose to forgive Peter in spite of his behavior. He acknowledged the hurt. He didn’t ignore what Peter had done. He didn’t sweep it under the wrong. He also didn’t remind him over and over how badly he had messed up. It’s about extending grace not expecting groveling. We don’t need to make people grovel for forgiveness. However, it is ok to address the issue and offense so it can be acknowledged which is exactly what Jesus did here with Peter.

Jesus didn’t belabor it with Peter, but he did make a point with the way he asked the questions of Peter here. Peter had adamantly affirmed three times that he did not know Jesus. Now Jesus gives him an opportunity here to recommit and reconcile with him by asking him three times, very adamantly I might add, if Peter does indeed love him. Basically, Jesus is saying to Peter, “You’re not a fisherman anymore Peter. You haven’t been since I called you the first time. I still have a purpose for you. You are still important to me. You are still part of my plan. I still want you with me. I need you to feed my sheep.” If you are unfamiliar with this text, Jesus isn’t talking about actual sheep. Jesus is the Great Shepherd and we as his followers listen to his voice and follow him. "Peter, I need you to feed my followers. Teach them to follow me as you continue to follow me." In this request, we see Jesus showing mercy to Peter and forgiving him in spite of his failure. In Micah 6:8 it says,

Micah 6:8

No, O people, the Lord has told you what is good, and this is what he requires of you: to do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God. 

The right thing to do when someone wrongs us is to forgive because that is what Jesus did and that’s what God requires of his people. “Do what is right, love mercy, walk humbly with your God.” Loving mercy here is the Hebrew word “Hesed” which encompasses all of God’s positive attributes including mercy, grace, and forgiveness. And if we walk humbly before God understanding our own need for redemption, it won’t be hard to extend mercy to others who are in need of forgiveness.

Jesus restored Peter to fellowship with him

What is happening here in this exchange of questions and answers between Jesus and Peter is that Jesus is restoring Peter to fellowship with him. Peter’s past failures didn’t eclipse his future ministry. He was an imperfect human being just like us. In this exchange with Peter, note Jesus had called Peter “Simon” here each time. Not Cephas. Not the Rock. Just Simon. The same flawed fisherman he met on the beach several years earlier. Jesus is taking Peter back to a shoreline three years earlier where he called him to follow him the first time and he’s calling Simon here to follow him once again.

John 21:18-19

18 “I tell you the truth, when you were young, you were able to do as you liked; you dressed yourself and went wherever you wanted to go. But when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and others will dress you and take you where you don’t want to go.” 19 Jesus said this to let him know by what kind of death he would glorify God. Then Jesus told him, “Follow me.”

When Jesus used the word "follow" here, it was the Greek word ‘akoloutheo’. It means to cleave steadfastly to one, conform wholly to his example, in living and if need be in dying also. Where Jesus once before prophesied that Peter would deny Jesus, he is now prophesying that Peter would live for Jesus until his death. However, it was going to require that Peter cleave steadfastly to Jesus. He was going to need to conform fully to the example of Jesus and depend on Jesus in the way Jesus depended on the Father. There could be nothing in between him and Jesus. What Jesus is really saying to Peter here is, “Peter, I want you to be with me.” I don’t want there to be anything between us and I want us to be in fellowship with each other. 

This is the goal of forgiveness every time. The ultimate goal of forgiveness is a restoration of fellowship between the two offended parties so the relationship can move forward. When relationships are healed, lives, families, and ministries move forward, and God is glorified. I recently found this quote about forgiveness from a priest named James Martin. He said,

Forgiveness is a gift to the one who forgives, because it frees him from resentment; and to the one that needs forgiveness, because it frees him from guilt. – James Martin (Jesuit Priest)

As we look at this relationship between Jesus and Peter here in John 21, it’s not hard to see ourselves and our own relationship with Jesus. We’re told in Luke 19, that Jesus came to “seek and save those who are lost.” All of us were born sinners in need of a savior. Without Jesus pursuing us in our sin like he did Peter here, we would have no chance of being reconciled to him.

He also showed mercy to us as sinners just like he did to Peter here. Instead of him giving us the punishment we did deserve, he took the penalty for our sin upon himself. And he continues to show grace and mercy to us continually as we fail forward in our attempts to serve and follow him. This mercy and forgiveness he extends allows us to stay in fellowship and relationship with him and continue to serve him every day. Jesus is our model when it comes to forgiveness. When you really get your head wrapped around the depth of Jesus’ forgiveness of you, it will enable you to extend forgiveness to others. Now, who do you need to forgive today?