Practicing Vulnerability for Deeper and More Meaningful Relationships

My wife and I were invited to dinner recently by some dear friends. While finishing up chicken on the grill, my friend Jonathan asked me, "How's your heart today?" No beating around the bush. No small talk. Just straight to the chase. Though Jonathan started to explain he wasn't talking about my physical heart, I assured him I knew what he meant. He was asking about the state of my soul and spirit. 

I thought his question was fantastic. What an incredible way to wade into vulnerability in a relationship. My response? I said, "Jonathan, I'm struggling with anger and apathy today." It's been a tough day at work. People have let me down. I'm questioning my own leadership and coaching abilities. So, I'm struggling a bit today." Jonathan showed empathy towards me and encouraged me. I returned the question, "How's your heart today?" Jonathan responded with an equal amount of transparency. He and his wife had a disagreement they had resolved earlier in the day, but his heart was still in the process of healing. 

This was not the first time Jonathan and I had a vulnerable conversation like this. We met just over a year ago now, and we have built a deep relationship very quickly. The key from the beginning was both of us practicing vulnerability. Vulnerability is key to experiencing deep and meaningful relationships. A person who cares to see the real you through the mess and the flaws and chooses to love you anyway defines a true friend. Not everyone has this kind of relationship with a friend. 

Maybe you struggle with vulnerability due to hurts from your past. You were vulnerable and trusted someone before and they betrayed your trust. As a result, you walled yourself off and vowed not to trust deeply again. Betrayals create deep wounds. Many of us bear the scars. However, assuming that everyone going forward will betray your trust because one person did is not a healthy way to live either. Trust and vulnerability have a complementary relationship. One can't develop without the other. Here are some thoughts on how to practice being more vulnerable with another person so you can enjoy deeper and more meaningful relationships in your life.

Trust and vulnerability have a complementary relationship. One can't develop without the other.

Be Honest

So many of us act like we are fine when we're not. I have found this to be particularly true in church settings. Jesus is our rock. And there are days we cling to that Rock for dear life and still feel like we are losing our grip. We put up a false front hoping everyone will think we're ok when inside we are drowning. We fear being judged. We fear being misunderstood. We know nobody is perfect but sometimes feel like we need to be. Sometimes to find the type of healing that comes from deep friendship through vulnerability, we have to take a risk and admit our brokenness. True friends will rush in and help. They will listen and be empathetic. There will be no judgment, only love and sympathy. Openness and honesty are the key ingredients in a healthy relationship.

Take it Slow

Trust and vulnerability are built slowly. The title of this post is "Practicing" Vulnerability. Like any gift, talent, trait, or habit, vulnerability takes time to develop. Start with honesty in the small things and build from there. You don't have to overwhelm people with every dirty detail of your life in your first conversation. You know how hard it is to carry your own emotional baggage around. Offloading an entire luggage cart of emotions onto someone else is going to be tough for them to handle too. Especially if some of your history involves trauma. Heavy topics take time to talk through. They are also difficult for the listening party to process and respond to. Wade slowly into vulnerability in your relationships so the people who care about you can help you process and heal a little at a time.

Reciprocate Empathy

Much of this post so far has been one-sided. We have talked about taking it slow when we are being vulnerable. We have talked about being honest with your own feelings. It's also important to remember that vulnerability in a relationship is a two-way street. When someone is being vulnerable with you, respond with empathy. Validate the other person's feelings. Speak words of encouragement and love into their wound. Reciprocate with empathy as they have responded to your openness. The most powerful healing and the strongest relationships are forged in deep moments of shared trust and empathy between two people.

Conclusion

God designed us to live in community and relationship with other human beings. We were not made to exist and thrive on our own. The deeper relationships we have with other human beings, the more capacity we have for growth, knowledge, and wisdom. Being vulnerable with other people promotes growth in our lives. It provides an opportunity for us to share and receive strength for our weaknesses. It can bring healing to the deepest of our emotional scars and trauma. The chains of sin and addiction are broken through vulnerable relationships (James 5:16). Finally, our identity is strengthened when close friends speak truth, confirmations, and blessings over us. Lean in and practice vulnerability and watch your friendships and relationships reach new heights.